chocolate hazelnut cake and the spectre of maoist cultural violence


god its a shiny cake. but as i sit here and ponder the substance of todays encyclical im distracted. out of the corner of my minds eye, and out of the centre of my actual eye i can see a rainbow banner atop the page. now i dont know if you see it too but i suspect its visible to blogger and stalker reader alike. and i would like to apologise on behalf of my blog platform for the arrogance and the assumption that you are a) aware of its signification, b) consenting to the argument it’s saccharine ‘love is love’ mantra pretends not to be making or c) if not a supporter at least unoffended by its appearance. obviously this is all a bit cryptic but as you would know its very difficult to speak freely, to say TRUE FACTS in a landscape of snowflake surveillance and groupthink. i joke but of course, as those of you i am not meeting for the first time would know, im deadly serious.

but given the size of my following i dont think its wise, as my employer would say, to divide audiences so lets return to something we can all talk about with civility: cake. and to whitewash out the bitter taste, a food pic.


this is obviously NOT product placement because no one is sending me nutella or money for my pictorial comments. both of which i would warmly welcome but until such time i do it for free. this recipe is the first from SWEET, a book i have been waiting for for many many moons. heres le recipe.


250g sour cream

130g greek yoghurt

1 1/2 tsp bicarb soda

3 eggs

280g caster sugar

250g butter (room temp)

2 tsp vanilla

460g plain flour

2 tsp bak pow

1 tsp salt

10g hazelnuts – thinly sliced, chopped or not even there at all

hazelnut crumble

80g hazelnuts roasted

80g caster

1 1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp salt


80g milk chocolate

80g nutella

100ml dub cream


FIRST make the hazelnut crumble


Begin by roasting your hazels if not already roasted. put them in food processor with sugar, cinnamon and alt and pulse til finely chopped. set aside.

pre heat the oven to 180 degrees. grease and flour a large bundt tin.

put the sour cream, yoghurt in a bowl and whisk in the bicarb soda. leave to stand for 15 mins for the mix to puff up and become light and airy. WEIRD SCIENCE


while puffing is taking place, out eggs and sugar in food processor and mix to combine. add butter and process for another min. at this point it will look disgusting and curdled. push on. because what even other choice do you have.

then mix vanilla into sour cream mix and pour it all into the food processor and pulse til combined. then tip the mix into a large bowl (i used pretty much every bowl i owned for this cake it was horribubble) and sift in the flour, baking powder and salt (which could have first been sifted into a separate bowl and then added but ENOUGH WITH THE BOWLS). stir until just combined.

now put one third of the mix into the cake tin and spread out with spatula. then sprinkle a generous layer or hazelnut crumple over. then do another layer of batter and so on and so forth, ending with a layer of nuts (3 cake batter layers in total). press the last layer of nuts gently in so they dont fall out which they will anyway. looks like this…a bit unappealing but patience iago.


put in oven for 55-60 mins. leave to cool for 10 mins then flip it out of its tin so it can breathe miz. erstwhile make the ganache


put chocolate and nutella in a bowl. heat cream very gently until little bubbles form around the edges. pour cream over chocolate and mix until smooth.

once the cake is completely cool pour over ganache. then sprinkle chopped hazelnuts. though i had lost interest completely by this final step so obvs you can do without.


revenge is a dish best served warm.


2 Responses to “chocolate hazelnut cake and the spectre of maoist cultural violence”

  1. 1 oj September 30, 2017 at 2:51 pm

    couple of things, if i may.

    erstly, where did everyone go?

    remember the glory days? when this community teemed with the lives* of the elderly, the young, the foreign nationals amongst us? all commenting their little hearts out?

    these days, you make a fine hazelnut cake and it sends people running for the hills.

    it’s no wonder all that’s left of this country is withered, dotty 90yo’s risking life and limb to hand deliver their ‘no’ votes to the post box.

    you should all be ashamed of yourselves. not you, moon. everyone except you. and me.

    secondly, is that a nando’s espresso cup?

    * (would that they were)

    • 2 schlepseleh September 30, 2017 at 3:15 pm

      THATS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. where did all the children go? Its a question im left to ponder every single night as i lie awake on my death bed… siezed by panic that everyone has moved on, chosen to embrace the future as a friend. And i am left alone, trapped (but nevertheless comfortable and warm ) inside my shell. But then im realise NONE OF YOU HAVE MOVED ON which makeds your silence all the more insulting.

      And gma i salute you for standing up to the groupthink of inner city elites with their tolerance and awareness campaigns and for standing firmly with the hegemon.

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