Archive for September, 2017

chocolate hazelnut cake and the spectre of maoist cultural violence


god its a shiny cake. but as i sit here and ponder the substance of todays encyclical im distracted. out of the corner of my minds eye, and out of the centre of my actual eye i can see a rainbow banner atop the page. now i dont know if you see it too but i suspect its visible to blogger and stalker reader alike. and i would like to apologise on behalf of my blog platform for the arrogance and the assumption that you are a) aware of its signification, b) consenting to the argument it’s saccharine ‘love is love’ mantra pretends not to be making or c) if not a supporter at least unoffended by its appearance. obviously this is all a bit cryptic but as you would know its very difficult to speak freely, to say TRUE FACTS in a landscape of snowflake surveillance and groupthink. i joke but of course, as those of you i am not meeting for the first time would know, im deadly serious.

but given the size of my following i dont think its wise, as my employer would say, to divide audiences so lets return to something we can all talk about with civility: cake. and to whitewash out the bitter taste, a food pic.


this is obviously NOT product placement because no one is sending me nutella or money for my pictorial comments. both of which i would warmly welcome but until such time i do it for free. this recipe is the first from SWEET, a book i have been waiting for for many many moons. heres le recipe.


250g sour cream

130g greek yoghurt

1 1/2 tsp bicarb soda

3 eggs

280g caster sugar

250g butter (room temp)

2 tsp vanilla

460g plain flour

2 tsp bak pow

1 tsp salt

10g hazelnuts – thinly sliced, chopped or not even there at all

hazelnut crumble

80g hazelnuts roasted

80g caster

1 1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp salt


80g milk chocolate

80g nutella

100ml dub cream


FIRST make the hazelnut crumble


Begin by roasting your hazels if not already roasted. put them in food processor with sugar, cinnamon and alt and pulse til finely chopped. set aside.

pre heat the oven to 180 degrees. grease and flour a large bundt tin.

put the sour cream, yoghurt in a bowl and whisk in the bicarb soda. leave to stand for 15 mins for the mix to puff up and become light and airy. WEIRD SCIENCE


while puffing is taking place, out eggs and sugar in food processor and mix to combine. add butter and process for another min. at this point it will look disgusting and curdled. push on. because what even other choice do you have.

then mix vanilla into sour cream mix and pour it all into the food processor and pulse til combined. then tip the mix into a large bowl (i used pretty much every bowl i owned for this cake it was horribubble) and sift in the flour, baking powder and salt (which could have first been sifted into a separate bowl and then added but ENOUGH WITH THE BOWLS). stir until just combined.

now put one third of the mix into the cake tin and spread out with spatula. then sprinkle a generous layer or hazelnut crumple over. then do another layer of batter and so on and so forth, ending with a layer of nuts (3 cake batter layers in total). press the last layer of nuts gently in so they dont fall out which they will anyway. looks like this…a bit unappealing but patience iago.


put in oven for 55-60 mins. leave to cool for 10 mins then flip it out of its tin so it can breathe miz. erstwhile make the ganache


put chocolate and nutella in a bowl. heat cream very gently until little bubbles form around the edges. pour cream over chocolate and mix until smooth.

once the cake is completely cool pour over ganache. then sprinkle chopped hazelnuts. though i had lost interest completely by this final step so obvs you can do without.


revenge is a dish best served warm.


cauliflower soup and the end times


as per this weeks request…cauliflower soup. a la the glorious, the underrated and the misrepresented, karen martini


2 heads of cauliflower

2 leeks

1 onion

2 cloves of garlic

2 potatoes finely sliced

30-50 g butter

pinch cayenne pepper

(karen uses curry powder and a bit of mustard. i dont but she definitely knows best)

150 ml milk/cream

1 litre chicken/veg stock



first cut up cauliflower into its respective florets, toss with olive oil, salt and pepper and roast at 180 for about 30 mins or until golden and carmelised

in a big pot put olive oil, leeks, onion and garlic and cook til soft

add the potatoes

add the butter

stir until the potatoes start to change colour

add salt, pepper, cayenne

add the roasted caulfilower and stir so its all coaty

pour in the stock and simmer til its all softened

pour in milk or cream

blitz til smooth


in conclusion a) apologies for the gross splats on the side of the bowl there and b) its quite heavy so can i recommend ordering our garden salad to accompany the dish


snows carrot cake


twas a dark and stormy day. there were severe weather warnings. it wasnt exactly harvey but also it may as well have been.


gale warnings were issued for the poor little mariners, marining about the place. i learned that its hard to capture wind in a still image. there may be some rich symbolism in that. so you’ll have to take my word for it. and in these times of gales, “earthquakes” and terror there are few things more reassuring to the disturbed mind than snows 3C recipe ebook. replete with its own index. i was going to make a pavlova-roulade but truly who can be bothered. so snarrot cake it was. i do not have permission to republish this but if stealing intellectual property and making it freely available is a crime then lock me up.



2 cups grated carrot (the living juices squeezed out of them. a thankless, hand-chilling task)

1 cup sugar

1 cup oil (i used sunflower)

3 eggs

vanill (not in original. why)

1 and 1/3 cups plain flour

1 and 1/3 tsp bi carb

1 and 1/3 tsp bak pow

1 and 1/2 tsp cidabod

1/2 cup walnuts

1/2 cup raisins (not in original)


icing ingreds. (i converted these from snow ounces. my pleasure)

115g cream cheese


30g butter

225g icing sug

walnuts for decoration if you are on the decorations committee



oven to 180 degs

grate the damn carrots. draining them of their juices

beat sugar and oil together. it looks, at this stage, quite revolting.

add eggs one at a time

add vanill if using.

fold in (sifted?) dry ingreds. (i didnt sift. but

fold in grated carrot and chopped walnuts

pour into greased tin and bake for 1 hour (snay says check after 40 mins)

to make icing

beat cream cheese a bit til soft

add butter, vanilla and sugar

wait til the cake is completely cool then ice


consume in moderation or all at once.