my photographer was eaten by a giant pizza. now there are some extremely serious problems, including but not exclusive to: does anyone know how to turn this thing on? to name a few others, white balance, zoom, digital zoom (never to be used or touched), focus, manual focus, autofocus, i cant focus, i hate this thing, why is it flashing, who cares about a light source, and i just want to make my art. sadly the camera self destruct button turned out to be a jammie dodger biscuit and though delicious, solved none of the aforementioned problems. to make matters worse there was this little conceptual nugget i had to grapple with: how do i pour water into a well of flour at the same time as taking an in-focus shot of proceedings with a highly caffeinated, shaky hand? well the results are apparent here. apologies in advance for the quality of the images but im just one man, one man with a remarkable inability to use a camera. given that this troubled mind found itself cooking in troubled circumstances the results were not all i had dreamt them to be. yes, what you see here is a base that is simply too fat. there i said it. i fucked up. and im sorry. better pizza, better photos and better quality control coming soon…so please hang about.


500g ’00’ flour

tsp salt

7g dried yeast

tsp sugar

2tbsp olive oil

325ml luke warm water


whatever you (jam)fancy. one here was made with:

thinly spread tomato sauce

thinly sliced zucchini

thinly sliced chorizo

handful of basil

some mozzarella torn over the top

for those less meat inclined there was also

thin smearing of tomato sauce

sliced cherry tomatoes

handful of basil

torn mozzarella

olive oil

first sieve the flour and salt onto your bench (work bench if you are so lucky). make a well in the centre. then put the water, yeast, sugar and olive oil into a jug and mix to combine. let this sit for 5 minutes to activate the yeast. then pour the yeast mixture into the centre of the well and slowly, with a fork, bring in the flour until it is all incorporated. knead until the dough is springy and smooth to the touch. then place dough in oiled and floured bowl, cover with a tea towel and let it prove for an hour until it has doubled in sized.

after an hour turn the dough out onto a floured surface and knock it back (bang the air out of it). divide it into 4 little balls and roll out your pizzas. about .5cm thick. place the base on an oiled and floured piece of tin foil (or a pizza stone if you have one) and then put whatever you like on top. give it some salt and pepper and drizzle some olive oil over the top. put it into an oven preheated to as hot as it will go and cook for about ten minutes until crispy and golden.


6 Responses to “pizza”

  1. 1 fw July 17, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    alarming development for fans of the blog. is our photographer ok, got another gig or gone fishing? very ordinary photographs of unsuccessful pizzas are not what we turn here for.
    p.s. what’s a jammie dodger biscuit?

    • 2 Matthieu July 18, 2010 at 10:06 am

      the photographer is fine but somewhat busy with multimedia engineering and objective-c. and so are the photographs. theres a new camera in the house and someone has to learn to use it and that would be our intrepid scribe, bless her cotton socks. And this piza was a try-out for the magnificent pizza that was had last night, a pizza bianca i believe the nobs call it.
      touts directions pater.

  2. 3 schlepseleh July 18, 2010 at 12:05 am

    if youre going to be rude then ill have to ask you to leave. the photographs are fine, thanks for asking. and the pizza was mellifluous. i down played it for literary effect. and jammie dodger biscuit is a googel-able entity.
    p.s. i believe it was you who once told me that diaphanous is not a word used for anything other than fabrics, in spite of my continuing and correct insistence that you were in fact wrong. and wrong you were my friend, according to virginia woolf – but what would this blog know? it doesnt even read.

  3. 4 jo July 18, 2010 at 2:02 am

    snow was this a thin or a thick crust?

    i’ve tried before but can only ever get a thick rather rubbery crust. how do you get a nice one?

    greetings from houston.

  4. 5 schlepseleh July 18, 2010 at 10:09 am

    snowlet that is a very interesting question and yet again, reveals a complete lack of reading and/or interest in the pictures’ accompanying text. the base was too fat. but to get it thin you roll it thin and make sure oven, pizza stone, and everthing it touches is scorching hot so it cooks quick and crisp.

  1. 1 pizza bianca « Fasting at the banquet Trackback on July 18, 2010 at 10:43 am

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