there’s been a lot going on lately…including but not exclusive to: a brand new starter, a new bicycle, and an attack by a very angry duck. there was also a bird invasion that i wont go into here because im still trying to work through it internally. i did however manage to make some crostini, with my starter, combining all thats good and right with the world. duck soup would have been right too. but its not the hunting season and i had a lot of bread to use. i also learnt the mathematical rule of nature, and so too, design. when i say learnt i of course use the term loosely. what i understood was simply the shape of a sea shell and now have images of an old italian man named fibonacci, eating crostini inside said seashell with the amalfi coastline nearly, but not quite, cropping his head off. so anyway…its been a big day. here’s my crostini – or simply my things on toast…in a seashell.

firstly, there was a pea and pecorino one. which was sublime. and no recipe – all i have to say is, in a mortar and pestle bash half a garlic clove with a pinch of salt. add two good handfuls of peas, mash into a paste, a handgul of some pecorino, some salt and pepper, and enough olive oil to get it to the consistency of spreadable mushed up peas. then spread on bread, tumble over some fresh peas, some shaved pecorino, and a drizzle of olive oil.

then – tomato, basil, olive crostini – achieved by: toast bread, rub with garlic, drizzle with olive oil, put some green leaves on toast, top with some sliced cherry tomatoes, chopped olives, tear over some mozzarella and some basil. finally drizzle with olive oil. et voila.

then same thing with the bread. just with mozarella, finely chopped chili, olive oil.

and then i happened upon a fig. or rather, it happened upon me. and so i did it all again, with some mozarella torn over the bread, some basil, tear the fig into bits, drizzle with olive oil and a drizzle of honey.

its been a long time… and now i am back with slightly less to show for myself and probably slightly less interest from the people. but i push on – because i dont do it for the glory. so i made a romesco sauce. i think romesco is maybe the greatest most sublime combination of the most wonderful and simplest things available. i dont see how anything with rosemary, garlic, olive oil (theres very little you can do wrong after you have done that), roasted almonds, and roasted peppers – could ever go wrong. but i only ever once made this before and i made it as a crust not a sauce….the necessary consequence of which was it was a sandy texture. now i needed it wet and sauce like. so i threw in some oven roasted tomatoes and olive oil and that was it. in other news, theres this: http://www.triplejunearthed.com/Artists/View.aspx?artistid=40623
thats all. ring off.

ingredients

about 300g roasted red pepper (2-3 peppers)

2 tomatoes

1 tbsp rosemary chopped

2 garlic cloves sliced

3 tbsp olive oil

50g almonds lightly toasted

50g white bread crumbs

first roast the peppers and the tomatoes. toss them with the garlic and rosemary, some olive oil, salt and pepper. roast on 180 degrees for an hour. or 100 degrees for two hours. the latter will give you a better result and a bigger electricity bill and a bigger hotness on a thirty degree day. the former works just fine.

in processor crush up almonds and breadcrumbs together. i dont have a processor so had the dubious pleasure of doing this in a mortar and pestle. i bashed up a bit of garlic and rosemary before add the the nuts and bread crumbs. when the peppers and tomatoes are done – process these with the nuts and bread crumbs til a paste. it will probably be a bit too thick. i did this bit in a blender – if its too thick add a bit of olive oil – in a steady stream until its the right consistency. season with salt and pepper.

for asparagus:

2 bunches asparagus

1 garlic clove finely sliced

1 tbsp olive oil

salt and pepper

blanch the asparagus in boiling salted water for a minute, then drain and refresh with cold water. toss with some garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper and then put on a very hot grill – turn it once or twice and then remove. eat with romesco. its lovely.

apologies to those who read – mainly but especially and singularly smoo – been busy trying to unearth a snow. sometimes its hard to get everything done in a day so naturally my response to that is to get nothing done. nothing at all. but once, some days ago, i did manage to make this cake. without wanting to get all sentimental i will just say this is the cake of my growing up – its my grandmothers or her mothers or some such. its the epitome of cake – the very embodiment of what i think of when i think of cake. butter sugar eggs flour. bit of crappy cocoa powder too. its from the olden world of yesteryear. and to that end i didnt use any electrical means of making. i used sheer strength of arms and force of will. and this cake is sublime. not unlike like the melancholy and intimacy of these vocals… VOTE EARLY VOTE OFTEN.

ingredients

125g butter

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

vanilla

1 1/2 cups self raising flour

3 tbsp milk (this ingredient, has over time, turned into 3 tbsp of double cream. i dont like it. i prefer the milk because i like the austerity of it all.)

2 tbsp cocoa powder

preheat oven to 160 degrees. butter and flour a cake tin. cream butter and sugar til pale and light. add the vanilla and the eggs one at a time and beat. then sift in the flour til it looks like this –

put about 3/4 of this mixutre into your cake tin (i used mini ones but its not trad so i would suggest a larger vessel.)

then mix the cocoa powder into the remaining mixture

then fill up the cake tin with the chocolate mixture thusly

put it into the oven for about 50 minutes. take it out and let it cool a bit before removing it from its tin. smells and tastes like heaven. poor photography doesnt begin to describe….

i feel like this speaks for itself. visually. on an unrelated issue does anyone know how to make a round cookie? and by that i mean a cookie shaped in a ball? its been requested – a ball shaped cookie with a malteser at its core. and i dont ask questions – i simply and humbly serve at the pleasure of the president. the only question i do ask, however, is how? (why also comes to mind). though i dont understand the science behind it (as snow will testify, i spent the better part of my high school science classes trying to find the best and most eloquent clip art picture for the cover sheet of my pracs, invariably going with the timeless image of a duck smashing a computer), i know, with the unerring faith of an empiricist, that cookie dough rolled into a ball will necessarily come out of the oven flat. so how do i keep it ball shaped? i realise the bulk of my readership is presently in istanbul – but if you have any information or suggestions, the lines will be open. so will a packet of maltesers so the sooner the better. thanking you in advance.

ingredients

for caramelised garlic:

4 heads of garlic, cloves separated and peeled

2 tbsp olive oil

2tsp balsamic vinegar

1tbsp caster sugar

90ml water

pinch of salt

for green stuff:

400g brussel’s sprout (ends removed and cut in half)

400g peas

1 red chilli finely chopped

4tbsp olive oil

knob of butter

salt and pepper

50g parmesan shaved

handful of basil

so we already been over how to caramelise garlic. but i do it again for those of you that werent paying attention the first time. blanch the garlic in boiling water for 3 minutes. drain. dry the pan and the return the garlic to the pan with 2 tbsp olive oil. fry on high heat for 2 minutes until golden brown. then add the balsamic, the sugar, some salt and pour in the water. bring to the boil and then let it simmer for 5 minutes or until nearly all the liquid has reduced and you are left with just the cloves and the stick, reduced, concentrated, world shatteringly good syrup. set aside.

then, put olive oil into a pan and cook the brusselsprouts over high heat for 5 minutes – try not to shake them around too much so they stay in one piece. add salt and pepper and a little butter at the end. remove from the pan and put in a bowl. then cook the peas. i do this in some butter (and i added in a clove of my hitherto caramelised garlic) and olive oil and coat them all. add salt and pepper. once they are all coated i add a bit of water (or stock if you have any…just a little, about 90ml) and let it reduce down. once all the liquid evaporated remove from heat and add to the brussels sprouts. then add the caremelised garlic.

put it all in a bowl and let it cool a bit. add some torn up basil and shave over some parmesan cheese. really exceptionally great and wonderful. but then caramelised garlic’ll do that

i read about this in my other ottolenghi cookbook. they’ve taught me all i know. and well – i love it. id never had creme fraiche until last week and its really changed the way i think and feel…mainly about creme fraiche. ottolenghi puts blue cheese in this. and like a good disciple i followed along unquestioningly. it was only later that it occured to me that in fact i dont like blue cheese and for those of you that understand why i think some soft goats cheese is probably a very good alternative. ottolenghi calls this a starter. i call that word a bit wanky so i just call it by its name. i suppose if you were a fully functioning member of society, and entertained people, and sat around a big table discussing things like films, theatre, the israeli-palestinian conflict, the advent of robot swarms, marxism and collaborative forms of community in capitalism, and the merits of a number of different and varying cheeses, including but not exclusive to blue – then this would provide an excellent starter. for those prone to avoiding such scenarios, and who prefer to take their meals standing up in a darkened corner (social cripple is such an ugly term) then i would not use the word starter. whichever way you choose to live your life i suggest that these leaves, bound together by multifarious cheeses, topped with pine nuts, represent an elegant solution to the question – what do i eat first?

ingredients

2 endives

50g cheese (roquefort or goats or whatever you want as long as it crumbles and has the capacity to absorb itself into a larger body of creme fraiche

150g creme fraiche

50g pine nuts (toasted in frypan in a bit of butter)

some rocket or radicchio or whatever you got

salt and pepper

grate the cheese into the creme fraiche and add some salt and pepper. whisk well until it gets thick.

then trim the endives and remove outer leaves to get to the goodness at the heart of the thing. smear each leaf with some of the creme fraiche mixture.

form piles of 5-6 leaves, pressing each together, with each leaf encased in a larger one.

put salad leaves onto a plate. place a few of the endives on top and sprinkle with pine nuts. could not be easier.

a la ottolenghi. i did make this twice. the first time it worked. but i cant speak for the taste because a sadist drilled holes in my teeth and stuck a needle into my gums and made the quotidien task of yawning a production for days to come. to say nothing of chewing. dentistry, as far as i am concerned is the single greatest scam since shop bought puff pastry. which brings me to my next p.o.c – puff pastry. it worked fine the first time. but then the next time it didnt. in a subsequent discussion with my life coach about where it all went wrong, the conclusion was reached that it was the pastry, as much as my cavalier attitude which caused the disaster. i pressed the pastry into the dish – and thought ‘thats funny, it doesnt seem to really be sticking to the sides’. this was closely followed by my next thought ‘oh well, it’ll be fine’. fine it was not. but i remedied it by trimming (hacking) the edges and marching inexorably on. and its really something this tart. i mean you’d hope so wouldnt you – consisting almost entirely of cheese and caramelised garlic. not for the faint hearted – but for those whose arteries can take it, i suggest you try this.

ingredients

1 sheet puff pastry (all butter)

3 heads of garlic – cloves peeled

220ml water

1tsp balsamic vinegar

1tbsp olive oil

3/4tbsp sugar

1tsp rosemary chopped

1tsp thyme chopped

1/2tsp salt

120g soft goats cheese

120g hard goats cheese

100ml double cream

100ml creme fraiche

2 eggs

salt and pepper

preheat the oven to 180 degrees. roll out your pastry. insert into tart tin. (make sure its properly in) and blind back for 20 minutes. remove baking beans and bake for another 5-10 minutes. set aside.

then make caramelised garlic. put the garlic cloves into a saucepan and cover with lots of water. blanch for 3 minutes. then drain well. dry the saucepan and then return the cloves to the pan with the olive oil. fry on high heat for 2 minutes. add the balsamic vinegar and water and bring to the boil, then let this simmer gently for 10 minutes. then add the sugar, rosemary, thyme and salt. continue to simmer for another 10 minutes or until all the liquid has evaporated and they garlic is coated in a dark caramel like syrup. set this aside.

break both goats cheeses into the pastry case. then spoon the garlic and syrup over the top.

in a bowl whisk together the eggs, cream and creme fraiche. pour this over the tart filling – making sure you can still see the garlic on the surface.

reduce oven to 160 degrees and bake for 35-45 minutes or until golden and deliciously brown.

disaster from hell. was rescued by an innovative mind. but not enough for me to feel anything but defeated. but mainly cranky. and now i got 4 roasty pears and nothing to do with them. so if you know of anything into which roasted pears could go, please contact my team at pears-r-us. thanking you in advance for your contributions. p.s. heres a closer look, because i cant hide behind photoshop for the rest of my life. i will own my failings. and sometimes, they me.

well its been a long time…and ive almost nearly forgotten what to do. i think generally it goes photo, bemoan something or someone, photo, recipe – self-congratulatory sentences peppered throughout. probably need a new formula. these are just pears. in an oven. butter. vanilla. sugar. i cant see how anything bad could possibly happen. any idiot can roast a pear but i will say this things: 1. they are good. 2. not any idiot can roast a pear because i looked up a recipe that called for too much sugar and so point 1 was in fact a lie and they were not good, they were sickeningly sweet. 3. im an ideas man and so i dont give to you recipes that are difficult – i just think of them for you so you dont have to sit around wondering what to bake. and i do it for free. out of love. love of all things baked. but mainly love of the validation you give in return. 4. these are step one in a two-tiered recipe and will be used tomorrow in my next trick. so here is an adapted recipe because the one i used was dishonest and shameful.

ingredients

4 pears halved and cored

1-2 vanilla beans depending on you extravagance

1 tbsp sugar – or just a sprinkling. not a quarter of a cup – you’d have to be off your tree to use that much. or an overweight american.

squeeze of lemon juice

2tbsp water

2tbsp butter

preheat oven to 190degrees. scrape vanilla bean and mix it into the sugar. lay pears down onto baking tray cut side up. drizzle over lemon juice. dot with butter. sprinkle with vanilla sugar. put vanilla beans in and around and pour the water into the tray.

put into the oven for 30 minutes. take them out. turn them over. baste with the juices. put them back for another 30 minutes

looks kind of ugly. as an image. but knowing what you all know about pears, butter, vanilla and an hour in the oven im sure you’ll take my word that it is so far from ugly and as close to perfection as a girl can get.

nother post coming soon. using these very same pears. stay with me. and smoo, i thank you for the occasional nudge. cant think of the right hey dad joke and so im posting this off into the ether, feeling just a little bit defeated.

cobblers are bad. and no one told me. no one bothered to tell me. and for some years now i have yearned to construct and consume the cobbler. because my brain was washed. and i thought that what id be getting is some kind of fruity-crumbly-buttery-cakey melange. but no sir. i will tell you this now – because no one ever told me and if i dont say it you will never know. the cakey looking thing on top of a cobbler is, in essence, a scone. and i do not like scones. not even with jam. i like them in theory of course. who doesnt. but when cake comes to scone – i dont like them. they taste like damper. and my increasingly sweet teeth dont care for it. it didnt achieve any kind of oneness with the fruit, and it seemed to be a stand alone scone, ruinously atop some perfectly good fruit. why, i asked myself, why would anyone want a cobbler? i suppose, the answer is, people like scones. and fruit. and the two together. so i post this for those of you who have a penchant for floury, undersweetened, overrated, (ill grant you fluffy) scone-like biscuit cakes. and i done some more tilt-shifting so i guess there’s something here for everyone.

ingredients (for 4-6 ramekins…you wouldnt want much more. me, i wanted less)

3 apples chopped/cubed

rhubarb cut into cm bits – or same size as the apple

tbsp sugar

for the dough:

1 1/2 cups flour

pinch salt

1 1/2tbsp sugar

2 1/4tsp baking powder

3/4 cup cream

6tbsp unsalted butter

first combine fruit with the sugar and stir to combine. i gave it a massive hit of vanilla. up to you really. put into respective baking dish(es?).

preheat the oven to 190 degrees. then make the dough. put all the dry ingredients into a bowl and with fingertips mix in the butter until it looks like coarse bread crumbs. then add the cream and mix until all its just wet. spoon lumps of the dough onto the fruit.

oven for 30-40 minutes. depending on an infinite number of things.